please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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