he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
