The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
