he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
