I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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