Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole