Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?