i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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