College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
