Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
