ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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