i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
