So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she told me i tasted like america
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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