I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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