how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
