omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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