the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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