you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
