You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Terrible idea I love it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
