Sorry, I don't speak sober.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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