Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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