We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
