haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
