she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Randomize
