why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
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