Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
