I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm getting married
To pizza
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
