you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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