What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
