Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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