Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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