Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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