Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
