my being single is dangerous.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
