"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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