Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
