if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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