I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
