I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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