he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
