You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
