So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
