Duck Duck Cougar?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
