Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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