just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
