my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
