we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
