I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
