My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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