At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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