Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
