Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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