last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
