its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
