I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
