i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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