O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
