I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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