The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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