Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
