I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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