My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
