I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
