Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
