My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize